Mother and Daughter Come Out about Lesbian Relationship
A lesbian mother grapples with the pain of a child favoring the mother The author with her wife, Sabrina Weiss, and their daughter, Marty, near their hurt in ways unique to nonbiological moms in same-sex relationships. One daughter even had to call whenever her mother was suicidal. . Women in lesbian relationships often dress alike and are in “constant contact”. The story of Mary and Vertasha Carter in a mother/daughter lesbian relationship is FALSE.
As in all prejudices and bigotry, the underbelly of homophobia is fear.
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It is generational and only changes when there is conscious and deliberate education and awareness. It comes down to language and arming children with ideas and words they need to explain things to themselves and defend things to their peers.
I had no one to talk to about it, so my language was internalized. I begged her to end the relationship and move back into our small rented apartment in town. To find a boyfriend. Living with this secret at a young age was a blessing as well as a burden. It gave me a huge amount of empathy for others in almost every life situation I have been in since — something that has helped me to parent my two young children.
As I grew into a teenager I was rude, talked back, showed my mother little respect and Carol even less. I felt emboldened by their hidden life, as if I could lord their secret over them.
How Growing Up With A Mom In A Secret Lesbian Relationship Shaped My Life | HuffPost
A trip to the nearest cinema in Berryville meant that I had to sit between my mom and Carol, and there was never hand holding or kissing.
At the school where she taught, Carol faced constant prying into her life from fellow teachers, parents and the administration. I see now that they also had to put on a mask, to pretend, to hope that no one asked deeper questions.
- Mother and Daughter Come Out about Lesbian Relationship
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I recently turned 40, and am now older than my mother was when she started her relationship with Carol and changed her life so drastically.
It strikes me how brave she was to have made this decision. How many times they were forced to accept something inferior, second rate. What was the interest rate on their bank loan and did the lumberyard give them a fair deal when it came to build their house?
I would like to think that children raised by gay parents in do not face the same crippling isolation caused by secrecy.
I wonder whether growing up in that small town with that huge secret would have been easier if, as today, there had been a range of support available both online and off. If I could have searched the hashtag gaymom and found some friends on Instagram who understood, and laughed about our parents and shared stories the way kids do.
Over the past decade I have watched powerful movements of people who publicly stand up for their equal rights, for marriage equality, and the artists and writers who beautifully and routinely portray alternative families in their work.
By doing so they give children a chance to see themselves in art and culture, and chip away at the otherness of being raised by gay parents. It is clear to me now that the greatest impact I can have on my children is through the language I use to explain things to them. My children might assume their friends also have three grandmothers like they do, because the language my husband and I use to talk about my two mothers has been warm, familial —no different than how we speak about his straight parents.
This need for clarity and understanding and precise language stretches far beyond explaining sexual orientations to children. Teaching children these skills when they are young will shape their capacity for resilience and tolerance and their confidence and pride in where they come from. She rarely nurtured me. I never remember being held or comforted by her. She never taught me anything that would have been considered feminine or female.
She was not feminine herself and probably did not like being a woman. She thought women were weak. In the midst of the empty space and black hole left by my family, a male also sexually abused me at age of 7.
What makes a woman “lesbian”?
The touch felt good but I was demeaned and rejected by the boy afterwards. I vowed to never need anything again; I hated my femininity and thought it was weak.
As a teenager I wore jeans and t-shirts or army fatigues and combat boots. I eventually joined the Army Reserve. In college I met a girlfriend who cared for me and cried when she heard about the sexual abuse.
The next close female friend I had held me in her arms and comforted me when I felt pain. She was a lesbian. Was I a lesbian? All I knew is that this relationship was what I had been looking for my whole life - a safe, loving, tender, non-abusive relationship with a sense of mutuality and of deep care. Throughout their lives, most of my clients dream and long for safe, warm and caring attachment and relationship.
The core of a female same-sex relationship is not sexual behavior as is often seen in male homosexuality, but a deep relational bond which often develops into a dependency. In an effort to resolve or alleviate the unwanted themes of separation, neglect, deprivation and abandonment and the constant consequent feelings of loneliness, emptiness and anxiety, these women will unconsciously sometimes consciously move towards the very things they perceive they are missing: When a girl or woman enters into a friendship with another female that may unconsciously remind her of mom or the best friend she never had, the relationship can often rapidly even within the first hour turn into an all-consuming emotional dependency.
This fear or defensive detachment as defined by Moberlycreates a vacuum of relational and identity need into which a woman attempts to draw another woman who may symbolize mother or her lost friend or lost self. Often the other is barely even known. If the connection or relationship is constant, warm, secure and loving perfect I feel ok. If the connection is threatened in any way, I am in crisis. I am not ok. I may even die.Lesbian mom and daughter.
She is not desperate for the other woman, although it would appear that this is the case, she is desperate for the symbolic attachment. Without it she once again becomes vulnerable to the truths and realities within, i. Nevertheless, the underlying true and real need of the woman for a warm and caring mother can be clearly seen in these relationships. During adolescence girls not only dress identically, but also often hold hands or clasp arms and of course call each other five times a day.
There seems to be a compelling drive to repair their missing or broken adolescent same-sex friendships that were meant to provide another piece to their own identity formation. My clients want this life, believing they do not have an identity or passion or direction of their own.
But as I explained above, all is not well in these reparative attempts. Many female same-sex relationships are fragile, unpredictable and extremely volatile. No human being can guarantee a perfectly and continuously warm, secure and loving friendship. Often a woman faces a self-perpetuating vicious cycle.
How Growing Up With A Mom In A Secret Lesbian Relationship Shaped My Life
This disappointment and failure however, creates even more of a need in me. So I grasp and demand even more. My grasping and need unfortunately suffocates or drains the other woman so she must leave or distance herself from me. I am devastated, even close to emotional death, so I reach out even more desperately than I have in the past.
Again, a woman often faces a sense of deep insecurity. While the above outlines the relational symptoms, there are other notable themes in the lives of many women with same-sex attraction. Inability to connect, identify or express deep emotion especially involving tears. This is due not only to a lack of practice and experience which would have been automatic in ongoing warm and reciprocal attachments, but is an aspect of the self rejection and contempt with which many lesbian women struggle as well as the tough bravado false self that is developed to survive the inner and outer isolation.
Mocking, daring, spiteful, arrogant false self with an accompanying young and fragile inner and true self. Many of my clients believe they have already endured enough rejection and hurt for a lifetime; they are very reluctant to take any more risks, yet for healing and growth, they must do this very thing.
Deficit of healthy community.
This of course compounds her relational needs and may fuel the dependency once a relationship or connection is established.
The pattern of emotional dependency is simply expanded to accommodate the entire group, leading to cross enmeshments and romantic betrayals.